Let’s face it. Football and fatherhood don’t have loads in common. Nothing has much in common with parenting really. But then again, I do see some very relatable moments from time to time.
With a 4 year old and another on the way very soon, I felt it was time to lay down Dad F.C’s A to Z for the first few years of fatherhood. Enjoy!
Away goals rule: when I let the little one stay up late on a holiday (as if they’ll wake later in the morning)!
Between the sticks: the baby is in the cot.
Caught in possession: when my baby fills her nappy whilst in my arms.
Danger zone: that time between the bedtime story finishing and lights out. Also know as squeaky bum time.
Extra time: when the little one strings out bedtime.
Fair play rule: when the baby falls asleep downstairs before bedtime but I take them up to bed anyway.
Give and go: when one of us hands over the baby as soon as the other comes in the door… and then disappears.
Hat trick: converting 3 set pieces perfectly in quick succession: e.g. Feeding, bathing, bedtime.
Journeyman: a dad of several kids, both old and young. He’s been there, done that.
Killer pass: when I pass a full nappy to my wife (or she does to me!)
Lost the dressing room: when my wife loses faith in my parenting skills!
Man to man marking: when the little one is tearing around the house and I’ve gotta keep my eye on her.
Own goal: when I wake the baby up because I checked in to see if she was sleeping.
Playmaker: a friend or sibling who’s great at playing with the little one.
Quadruple: a day when nap time, feeding, bath and bed time are all handled with aplomb.
Reflex save: when I miraculously stop the little one from falling over with my cat-like reflexes.
Set pieces: nappy changing, bathing, bottle feeding set plays you need to master.
Technical area: the landing or hallway, where all whispered parental “conversations” take place.
Theatre of dreams: when I got the nursery just perfect and conducive for drifting off to the land of nod.
Unplayable conditions: does not exist. Tired, sick, whatever – you’ve just got to Dad-Up and parent in all conditions.
Versatile: being prepared and able to deal with whatever my baby throws at me. Quite literally sometimes…
Water-logged: when the nappy is full.
Wrong footed: when you open a nappy, expecting a number 1 and you’re presented with a huge number 2.
XI (eleven): the number of years I aged in my first season of fatherhood.
Yo-yo kid: when my little one shifts from satanic screaming to delirious laughing in 7 seconds.
Z: zzzz : I don’t see many of these…