Seriously, all hell went down this afternoon. I was on the toilet, minding my own business, when a sound came from the nursery. My wife was mid-nappy change of our 3 month old when, IT happened. I can only describe IT as thunderous. At first I was convinced it was the plumbing again. I was just about to call Jimmy the plumber round when IT happened again. Only this time for longer. Much longer.
"Oh dear" I heard my wife shudder from the nursery.
As I left the bathroom, she cried out: "Alex, I need your help"… and I knew this was the moment. It was MY moment. It was time for her to call in the heavies…
It was only once I was in the nursery did it really hit me. Almost literally.
I could see from a distance that the nappy was bulging, the sides were about to give way. Our baby was lying there, in it, grinning like a Cheshire chat. You're not fooling anyone, I thought.
I could see a mixture of relief and dread, on my wife's face. Relief that the storm was probably over and that a hero had come in to save the day, dread that a deadly battle was about the begin.
I had to think quick.
"Right let's double up the nappies" I said. "Get one underneath her NOW"… and we did.
My plan was to sacrifice a nappy and let the soiled nappy spill onto it. My wife had other ideas. She hesitated and decided that she'd rather sacrifice one of the cheaper nappies.
"We don't have time. One hesitation and the shit hits the fan love!"
This was a real 8-Mile moment. Cue 'Lose Yourself' music:
Will you capture it, or just let it slip?
Her palms were smelly, poo had leaked, nappy's heavy,
There's dribble on her dress already, mum looks messy!
Well… she let it slip, crap went EVERYWHERE. And I mean, EVERYWHERE!
"Told you so" I sighed unhelpfully.
I got stuck in, and it was messy. Real messy. Body parts were flying left right and centre as my baby wriggled around, sliding and smothering herself in what can only be described as a Muddy Puddle. I half expected Peppa Pig to burst in and start jumping up and down.
"Get the HELL out of my house Peppa or your bacon 🐷 🥓" would have been the appropriate response.
We got out alive in the end, but it wasn't pleasant. We lost a few good nappies today.